my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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