believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I enjoy the company of your penis
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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