Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
