I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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