I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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