he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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