You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
