i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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