cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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