Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
