Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
