The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
