can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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