I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
