3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
