I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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