Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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