I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
