I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
