he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
