So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Randomize
