Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
