it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
