I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
