Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
