Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
