I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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