those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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