Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
