Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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