i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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