I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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