i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
