3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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