ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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