A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
