guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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