Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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