what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
