I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
