just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
