I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
