my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
