Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
