Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You are a genius and a whore.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
