i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
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