evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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