How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
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I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
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Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Drunk is not a location!