I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
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Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.