so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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