Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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