i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
