I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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