just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
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it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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