You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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