either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
