i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
