Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
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