I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
