So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
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I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
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You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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