I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
