I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
