I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
