my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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